The Biblical Response to Experiential Dynamics of Pastor’s Family

Byhigatem

Text- 1 Timothy 3:1-5

A Pastor is a Christian Minister or Priest who performs the role of a Shepherd by having spiritual charge over a congregation or other group for whom he provides spiritual care.

Maxey identified certain futures that authenticate the ministry of the minister. Such an individual must have been called of God, being sure of the call, he must have responded with great persuasion, the call must have been publicly acknowledged. Furthermore, the individual must be generally fit for ministry, must submit to formal or informal preparation, must receive recognition and sanction of the Church, must have ability to preach and such messages must receive divine approval as it propels changes in the lives of people. Pgs. 39-44.

A minister is therefore a human being appointed by God to serve Him on earth amongst men as a dispenser of the gospel with the aim of raising men for service and preparing them for eternity with God, through exemplifying the life of Christ.  By the nature of his call, he is expected to be exemplary. By this, he and his home should become objects through which lessons in godly living can be learnt. They are to be models, or a type that is worthy of emulation.

What is the family?

A Family is a group of people who are closely related by -Birth, -Marriage- Exodus 21:7-9, or -Adoption- Romans 8:15-17. It could be nuclear or extended. In Africa, the recognized family system is the extended family system in which the husband and wife together with their children keep a close relationship with their extended relations including siblings, grand parents, uncles and aunties, cousins, nephews and nieces.

For the purpose of this write-up however more attention will be given to the Pastor’s immediate or nuclear family.

Possible constituent members of a Pastor’s family may include: The Pastor, The spouse, The children, Dependent relatives (if any stays with them), Church members resident in the minister’s home, House help(s), (If they have one).

There could be a direct correlation between the experiential dynamics of a Pastor’s Family and the success of his ministry.

Defining the Experiential Dynamics of a Pastor’s Family

The word Experiential describes things involving or based on experience and observation. It thus describes things that can be seen, touched, and verified. Nicola Williams described Relationship dynamics as the patterns of behaviour that happen between people in the ways we relate, interact and communicate with each other. It simply describes everything that happens between two people in a relationship.

Family dynamics refers to the patterns of interactions among relatives, their roles and relationships, and the various factors that shape their interactions. StatPearls opined that Family members are the primary sources of relationship security or relationship stress because family members rely on each other for emotional, physical, and economic support.

Experiential dynamics of a Pastor’s family therefore describes the sum total of the physical or perceivable happenings and occurrences in a Pastors family in relation to relationship with his/her spouse and the children, interpersonal relationship between the children and the individual behavioural pattern of all the family members vis-a-vis God’s expectations. Nicola Williams believe that having an awareness and understanding of the dynamics that play out in our relationships puts us in a position of empowerment.

Correlation between the Experiential Dynamics of a Pastor’s family and his Ministry

The Pastor’s family lifestyle may  determine how far God can commit things into his/her hands. 1 Tim. 3:4&5.

The state of the Pastor’s family determines the level of credibility people will attach to him and his ministry and thus may affect the growth of the Church. 1 Samuel 8:1ff; 1 Tim. 3:7.

The Pastor’s family  lifestyle will either increase his boldness and courage in ministry or make him timid before his congregation or even shut his mouth on some subjects. Eli’s home- 1 Samuel 2:12ff.

The Pastors family lifestyle may open him up to reproach and the accusation of the enemy. Rev. 12:10.

Since like begets like- John3:6, the lifestyle of the Pastor’s family might automatically become reflective on the Church.  God expects a Christ-like lifestyle Philippians 2:5; Titus 2:11-14; Romans 12:1-3,9-21. In essence every family member should live and walk in the spirit and not be controlled by the flesh

 An unwholesome lifestyle can impede the growth of the Church in every dimension. Ecclesiastes 10:1

We shall be focusing on some grey areas:

  • Habit of lateness to program.
  • Habit of stinginess and been tightfisted. A Pastor who accumulate gifts till they begin to decay.
  • A life of greediness. An acting Conf. President
  • When children are wayward or unruly.
  • Absence of tender loving care for the wife.
  • Growing and not carrying the spouse along. Job 2:9.
  • Thinking that women are nobody and not giving consideration to counsel from the woman.
  • Anger and aggression at home.
  • Sexual dissatisfaction, unfaithfulness and conflict.
  • Careless, indecent and immodest dressing styles.
  • Neglect of effective administration of the family.
  • Marital crisis between Pastor and spouse.
  • Pastor’s wife who can not bridle her tongue.
  • Lazy wife who will not prepare food for the husband.

The implication for the minister

The Pastor must manage his home well in the following areas:

Spiritual management– The spiritual health of his family will affect other areas of the family life. His family is his first church where he must ensure constant study of the word of God and prayers. Deut. 6:4-8. He must be like Abraham in Genesis 18:17-19 of whom God said ‘I know him that he will….’ God must be able to vouch for him on his seriousness and commitment to the spiritual nurturing of his family. His Family altar must be consistent and fervent with every family members in active participation. Members of his household should not be bench warmers in the church, each must identify their individual areas of giftedness and function effectively in the same. He must be able to help family members to identify their gifts. His commitment to the spiritual nurturing of his family will give him guaranteed access to the secret of the Most High.

Financial management– The Pastor’s family must exercise strict financial discipline. They must learn how to cope under financial pressure. When they have problem of insufficient fund to manage the family needs, like Paul, they should learn both how to abound and be abased. Philippians 4:12.

They must not live beyond their means, they must avoid the error of ‘wanting to be like the Joneses.’2 Corinthians 10:12.

  • The Pastor must make adequate provision for his family members within his means so as not to expose them to negative influence. Genesis 30:30. 
  • They must live by the principle of “godliness with contentment is a great gain.” 1 Timothy 6:6.
  • They must avoid unnecessary indebtedness; they should remember that a borrower is a servant to the lender.  Proverbs 22:7. The Pastor and his family members should avoid borrowing money from church members no matter how nice they think they are now.

The time of your lack may be another time of your training in learning both to abound and to be abased. It may be another time of God training you to learn to wait on and depend on him, as you learn to live the faith life. Cutting corners will only prolong your learning process.

Children management–

A Pastor who cannot manage well his own children leaves everybody in doubt as to his ability to manage the church of God. When a Pastor’s children becomes wayward, disobedient or unruly, they bring their parents ministry under reproach. The Pastor must therefore build intimacy with his children so that they can open up to him without hiding anything from him.

  • He must not assume their salvation. 1 Samuel 2:12-25; 8:1-5. Could it be that Eli and Samuel assumed that their children were godly that they made them priests and rulers over God’s people? The Pastor must labour on his children individually until he is sure they have surrendered to Christ, after which he continues to labour on them in individual discipleship and mentoring. The Pastor must not be so busy that he cannot create time for his children. He should take the lead in their training in the ways of God and not abandon that responsibility to his wife, the children Church or any so called mission school.  Eph. 6:4.
  • He has a responsibility to know their friends and their role models. The influence of friends or what we call peer pressure on the development of a child cannot be overemphasized, because of the influence that such stands to have upon their lives. See 2 Samuel 13: 1-18. Visiting them in their schools during open day, visiting day and other occasional visit should not be left to their mother alone, as it affords him the privilege of following up the development of his children outside the home. A minister of this generation must be ICT compliant to catch up with his children development.
  • The Pastor should provide for the needs of his children within his capacity so as not to expose them to immoral way of looking for money to meet their needs. Some minister’s male children have gotten themselves into the trap of cultism through assistance they received from cult guys who pretends to be some nice big brothers, while some ladies have been led into sexual immorality to make ends meet when their parents cannot meet their basic needs.
  • The Pastor must give his children sound moral training in obedience, respect, communication, dressing, relationship with opposite sex, so that they will not be wayward, unruly or disobedient; lest they bring his ministry to disrepute. The  Pastor must avoid the error of becoming an absentee father figure, who allows ministerial engagements to make him neglect his critical responsibility  of bringing up is children in the training, nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4. His wife should equally rise up to the task and cover up every lapses lest the children bring her to shame. Proverbs 29:15.
  • Spouse relationship management–

The minister marital relationship with his/her spouse has a lot to do in his ministry. A sour marital relationship will negatively affect his ministry.

The minister should therefore be available for his spouse. This issue of availability is very critical. A situation where a minister finds time for parishioners and others and spend hours with them but complains of not having time for his wife might soon wreck his ministry. He should make time to be with his wife part of his priority. Spend more time with her than you spend with other women no matter their responsibility in the church.

The minister should make adequate provisions for her. Eph. 5:28&29.  A situation where a minister dresses like a king and the wife dresses like a slave is a disgrace to his ministry and does not portray him in a good light before the people. He should therefore make adequate provision for her daily upkeep. She should not be made to feel inferior among the women she is expected to minister to.

The Pastor should be concerned about the progress of his wife and seek to improve her that she might be fit for him. Gen. 2:18.  A situation where a man got married to a lady when both of them had ordinary diploma, and he had progressed to do degree, masters and doctoral program while living the woman at her initial level on the excuse of the care of the children is not only bad but it is detrimental to the effectual success of his ministry. Such women are left to be suffering from inferiority complex, as they feel inadequate to meet either their husbands demand or peoples’ expectations from them based on the level of their husband.

Some minister consequently will start to look upon their wives with the eye of inferiority complex and may run into the error of looking for other ladies that they think would match their status to follow them anytime they have a public outing all in the name of mentoring.

Provide sexual satisfaction– Pastors have the responsibility of satisfying their spouse sexually and not starve them, all in the name of being busy with the work of ministry. Their sexual life with their spouse must be mutually enjoyed, without any act of self centerdness. There must be sexual faithfulness without yielding to the temptation of drinking stolen waters

Promoting Unity and Togetherness

  •  Plan together for the home.
  • Play with your spouse and create time for recreation and relaxation together.
  • If you must visit other ladies, go with your wife or at least another man.
  • Let gifts to ladies pass through your wife.
  • Avoid counseling ladies under close doors. Pro. 6:27&28.
  •  Involve your wife in your ministry as she complements you in her own area of giftedness.
  •  Manage your conflict without involving church members.
  • Be open to your spouse even as you build trust.
  • Wife must be an example of a submissive woman- Titus 2:4&5.
  • Husband must the wife unconditionally. Eph. 5:25-29.
  • Relationship with other dependants-
  • House helps must be treated as fellows in the faith; there must be no oppression or cruelty. Eph. 6:9; Col. 4:1.
  • Resident church member(s) must not be maltreated or taken advantage of.  1 Tim. 5:1.
  • Relations must not be allowed to come in between the minister and the spouse. Accept the other spouse’ relations as your own and avoid selfishness and self-centeredness in the way you treat them.  Ruth 1:16
  • Personal behaviour at home-
  • Must be sober- having self control- Titus 3:2.
  • Must be hospitable- Titus 1:8
  • Must not be a striker- not self-willed or soon angry- Titus 1:7
  • No alcohol in your home
  • Must of good behaviour at home.
  • Must not be unfaithful to spouse.
  • Must not harbour un-forgiveness or bitterness.
  • Must maintain a clean and tidy environment at home.

Your family relationship with the community

  • Pastor must be a model of an ideal husband in the community
  • Pastor must be the model of an ideal father in the community
  • His integrity must commend him to his community as a community priest.
  • He participate in the Community Development Association of his community where he shines as light.
  • The wife must be a model of an ideal wife to other women in the community. Titus 2:4&5.
  • She must be a model of an ideal mother.
  • Her integrity must present her as a peace maker and counselor to the community, not a contentious woman.
  • They must not be involved in quarrelling, nagging, and the likes.
  • They must be hospitable.
  • Their children should dress modestly and decently.
  • Their children most be respectful and when disciplined.

Conclusion

As you lay your bed, they say, so also will you lie on it. Your home is where you have to lay your head after all the pressure of ministry. Even if you go to a mountain or your office to run away from your home you cannot remain there forever. You will therefore be doing yourself a lot of good to sacrifice time, energy and other resources to make your home a haven.

Resources

 “ Helen I. A. Oyekan, “The Pastor and His Family Difficulties.

https://www.collinsdictionary.com › …Pastor

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov › NB… Family Dynamics – StatPearls – NCBI Bookshelf. 25 July, 2022

https://www.nicola-williams.com › … Understanding Relationship Dynamics | Nicola Williams

https://www.psychmechanics.com › … Relationship dynamics (Definition and meaning), 3 Jun 2021

https://www.thefreedictionary.com › …Pastor – definition

http://www.vocabulary.com…. Experiential